Party chat...
::CRASH::
LEGOS EVERYWHERE
Guest: Oh no. I destroyed the Millennium Falcon...
Host: We can rebuild. We have the instructions.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Things I Should Not Do If I am Over 30?
Warning. Rant Ahead. Plus egregious use of the F-bomb.
Tl;dr: Don't tell me what do.
Messing around on the internet this morning drinking coffee. I see this
title: 24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30.
If you have known me longer than 5 minutes, it's a sure thing you know
the conversation that I had with myself as I hovered the mouse over the
link. For those of you who don't, however:
Me: What is this bullshit?
Me: Don't do it.
Me: No, this must be read.
Me: Seriously, you haven't even finished your coffee.
Me: But. But. I'm going in.
Me: It's going to enrage you as much as reading the comments on CNN articles…
Me:
Me: Don't do it.
Me: No, this must be read.
Me: Seriously, you haven't even finished your coffee.
Me: But. But. I'm going in.
Me: It's going to enrage you as much as reading the comments on CNN articles…
Me:
This is a link to the article in question,
but I have copy-pasted it below because the format is in itself
enraging – essentially 72 slides to get through the roughly 500
condescending as fuck words. It appeared in 2014, and a great response
to it appears here
I was going to go point by point and respond to each thing the author
mentions, but I realized it was completely unnecessary. Because I can
sum up my response to each and every point as this: Fuck Off.
Why is there a cut off for certain things? Who decides what this is?
Why does anyone care? Don't do this after 30. After 40. After 50. Part
of me wants to retaliate with a list of shit one oughtn't do before 30.
But here's the thing – I don't really care. I can't think of a damn
thing anyone at any age needs to do or not do in most areas of life
other than mind their own damned business and not spend so much of their
time worrying about what someone over any arbitrary age is doing.
Will I ever wear blue eye shadow or booty shorts? Nah. Neither of
those things would look good on me. Or be comfortable. But I would if I
wanted to and I will damn straight wear glitter and animal print and
fur and faux fur and my beat up Converse All Stars and graphic tees and
oversized sunglasses. Maybe even all at one time. And I will shop where
the fuck I please, whenever I please, even if my wearing of American
Eagle jeans offends the sensibilities of a Little.
I usually reserve Little for actual Littles. You know, children. But I
think from now on I will include in that designation anyone who is
clearly Under A Certain Age who uses moment of their precious life to
judge what fucking underwear I buy and where, and how beat up my
footwear is. Because they are making stupid delineations about age and
clothing and me and others like me who wear what the fuck we please.
And frankly, I think Little is a perfect bucket, because anyone who
pays this much attention to what others are wearing because of age is
small minded.
I'm not usually a fan of listicles anyway, and mostly I avoid using the
format unless it is really called for. But I think it might be. So
here's mine:
The Top Ways To Avoid Being A Judgmental Asshole About Other People's Clothing Choices
1. Don't be a judgmental asshole about other people's clothing choices.
Best listicle ever.
Finally, for the love of the universe. Wear what the fuck you please.
Wear clothing you love and feel wonderful in. Be happy in your skin and
in your jeans and in your shoes and in your life and in yourself.
Everyone else can really just go fuck right the fuck off.
___________________________
Original story by Kallie Provencher
By age 30, women are expected to be a little more mature, and they
should dress like it too. Here are 24 things no woman should be caught
wearing after age 30.
24 Graphic Tees
You're what we call a 'grown-up' now. Dress like an adult please.
23. Bedazzled anything
Bedazzling is a horrible trend that started in the early 2000's and for
some reason has stuck around ruining the fashion industry. You're not
13, leave the rhinestones for a tween.
22. Blue Eyeshadow
Actually, no one should ever wear eyeshadow. With the exception of drag queens. Doesn't matter if you're 18 or 50, skip it.
21. Victoria's Secret PINK
PINK is made and targeted at teens and college girls. Not for thirty-somethings. Wear your big girl panties please.
20. Leopard Print
There is such thing as too much of a good thing, and leopard print is only cute in small doses.
19. Sparkly Pants
Unless it's New Year's Eve, don't rock pants that shine brighter than the sun.
18. Oversized Sunglasses
They might be fun, but they're not mature. Splurge a little and buy a nice pair that actually fits.
17. Non-matching Socks
By age 30, you should be able to keep better track of your socks.
16. Hoop Earrings
Only girls in high school can still pull off hoop earrings.
15. Furry Boots
Let the teenagers have their fun, but no 30-year-old woman should be caught dead in "boots with the fur."
14. Furry Anything
It's rare to find furry clothing that's actually fashionable AND age appropriate.
13. Tube Tops
Ugh, why do they still make these? Nobody looks good in them.
12. Short Dresses
You don't have to bare it all to look sexy.
11. Mini-Skirts
By this age, women should know it's always better to leave something to the imagination.
10. Overalls
No. Just no.
9. Crop Tops
Even if you have a bangin' body, leave these "shirts" to the young folks.
8. American Eagle
Sure, their jeans fit perfectly, but that doesn't make it trendy for women over 30 to be wearing them.
7. Booty Shorts
I don't know at what age it is acceptable to let your booty hang out.
6. Old Sneakers
Grown women should not be seen in rundown tennis shoes. If you can't
afford a new pair, then it's time to reevaluate life as a 30-year-old.
5. Cheap Bras
Your breasts deserve the proper support by this age.
4. Glitter Eyeshadow
Save the glitter for things that should actually sparkle.
3. Platform Flip-Flops
Actually, nobody should wear these. There's nothing cute or sexy about platform flip-flops.
2. Abercrombie & Fitch
Do 30-year-olds even fit into A&F clothes?
1. Scrunchies
If you're old enough to do your own hair, you should not be wearing scrunchies.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Things I Will Not Leave The House For During The Polar Vortex.
Shoveling snow. Even though there is a 1913
city ordinance that says I need to clear my sidewalk. Even though that wiseass
from down the street slipped and almost fell right outside my window. Because
it is 22 degrees at 2 PM and the stupid snow is still falling and I’ll only
have to do it again in like two hours and anyway I have vodka and Netflix. And
my sweet cuddly kitty.
A trip to the gym. Because what makes you think I will go work out when I won’t shovel snow and anyway it’s 4:30 and I’ve been drinking vodka for two and a half hours. It’s like you don’t even know me any more.
Rescuing a friend stuck on the highway. Even though I would want someone to do it for me. Even though people have done it for me. Because I am a bitch with roadside assistance. And because I am cozy and warm and have lots and lots of lovely vodka and the snow looks better from inside my house.
Batteries for my vibrator. Even after the bitter disappointment of cannibalizing the double As from the TV remote only to spill vodka on them, and then to remember that I don’t own a television and they are probably more than 7 years old. Even though it’s only 6:30 PM and why do you care what time of day it is when my vibrator is on my mind? You’re very judgy.
Drinks with Friends. Even though I am an extreme extrovert. Even though I have not seen another living being since 10 AM. Even though I am halfway through the vodka. Because clearly not one of you freaks is worth braving the now 4 degree temperatures because it you were worth anything YOU WOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED ME RUNNING OUT OF VODKA OR YOU WOULD BE HERE DRINKING WITH ME. HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME?
Vodka. Even though the situation is dire at 7:30 PM. Even though the bottle has only two more drinks. Even though I am scant seconds away from moving on to Tier Two beverages, which include Bacon Vodka, Port, Blue Curacao and one drink’s worth of shitty rum. Because deep in my soul I believe I can make one spectacular drink with all of these and call it DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX BECAUSE MY FRIENDS ALL SUCK.
Food. Even though I am completely alone, friendless and vodkaless at 8:30 PM. Even though the spectacularly awesome DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX has left me befuddled and starving. Or maybe BECAUSE I am befuddled and starving. Because I have rice. And sardines. And Maraschino Cherries. And mushroom bullion. And mayonnaise. I WILL SURVIVE. I HAVE THE INTERNET AND I KNOW I CAN LIVE ON SARDINES AND MARASCHINO CHERRIES. IF YOU LOVE ME BRING ME FOOD. AND VODKA. AND BATTERIES. AND MAKE MORE EPISODES OF THE GILMORE GIRLS.
Fast Food. Even though it has been clearly demonstrated to me that living on sardines and maraschino cherries was THE WORST IDEA EVER. Even though the closest drive through is still open. BECAUSE THERE IS TWO FEET OF GODDAMN SNOW IN THE STREET AND I PROBABLY COULDN’T DRIVE IN THIS SOBER AND I HOPW YOU ALL ARE GLADD THAT I WIL DIE ALONE FROM INDIGESTION AND DEHYDRATION AND LACK OF SELF STUMULATION AND DEATH BY POLAR VORTES DRINKS AND MIXING BACON VODKA AND PORT WAS INCREDIBLY FUCKING DUMB AND THEY WILL FIND MY DESSICATED BODY FORLORNLY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM WITH MY STUPID CROSS EYED CAT SITTING NEXT TO IT BITCHING FOR FOOD.
Please bring tums.
(note, I will be posting some humorous stuff on this blog in addition to the writing and eavesdropping stuff I usually publish. Also no vodka was harmed...er...drunk...er....there was not an entire bottle of vodka available when I wrote this. The vodka consumption was greatly exaggerated.)
A trip to the gym. Because what makes you think I will go work out when I won’t shovel snow and anyway it’s 4:30 and I’ve been drinking vodka for two and a half hours. It’s like you don’t even know me any more.
Rescuing a friend stuck on the highway. Even though I would want someone to do it for me. Even though people have done it for me. Because I am a bitch with roadside assistance. And because I am cozy and warm and have lots and lots of lovely vodka and the snow looks better from inside my house.
Batteries for my vibrator. Even after the bitter disappointment of cannibalizing the double As from the TV remote only to spill vodka on them, and then to remember that I don’t own a television and they are probably more than 7 years old. Even though it’s only 6:30 PM and why do you care what time of day it is when my vibrator is on my mind? You’re very judgy.
Drinks with Friends. Even though I am an extreme extrovert. Even though I have not seen another living being since 10 AM. Even though I am halfway through the vodka. Because clearly not one of you freaks is worth braving the now 4 degree temperatures because it you were worth anything YOU WOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED ME RUNNING OUT OF VODKA OR YOU WOULD BE HERE DRINKING WITH ME. HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME?
Vodka. Even though the situation is dire at 7:30 PM. Even though the bottle has only two more drinks. Even though I am scant seconds away from moving on to Tier Two beverages, which include Bacon Vodka, Port, Blue Curacao and one drink’s worth of shitty rum. Because deep in my soul I believe I can make one spectacular drink with all of these and call it DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX BECAUSE MY FRIENDS ALL SUCK.
Food. Even though I am completely alone, friendless and vodkaless at 8:30 PM. Even though the spectacularly awesome DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX has left me befuddled and starving. Or maybe BECAUSE I am befuddled and starving. Because I have rice. And sardines. And Maraschino Cherries. And mushroom bullion. And mayonnaise. I WILL SURVIVE. I HAVE THE INTERNET AND I KNOW I CAN LIVE ON SARDINES AND MARASCHINO CHERRIES. IF YOU LOVE ME BRING ME FOOD. AND VODKA. AND BATTERIES. AND MAKE MORE EPISODES OF THE GILMORE GIRLS.
Fast Food. Even though it has been clearly demonstrated to me that living on sardines and maraschino cherries was THE WORST IDEA EVER. Even though the closest drive through is still open. BECAUSE THERE IS TWO FEET OF GODDAMN SNOW IN THE STREET AND I PROBABLY COULDN’T DRIVE IN THIS SOBER AND I HOPW YOU ALL ARE GLADD THAT I WIL DIE ALONE FROM INDIGESTION AND DEHYDRATION AND LACK OF SELF STUMULATION AND DEATH BY POLAR VORTES DRINKS AND MIXING BACON VODKA AND PORT WAS INCREDIBLY FUCKING DUMB AND THEY WILL FIND MY DESSICATED BODY FORLORNLY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM WITH MY STUPID CROSS EYED CAT SITTING NEXT TO IT BITCHING FOR FOOD.
Please bring tums.
(note, I will be posting some humorous stuff on this blog in addition to the writing and eavesdropping stuff I usually publish. Also no vodka was harmed...er...drunk...er....there was not an entire bottle of vodka available when I wrote this. The vodka consumption was greatly exaggerated.)
Monday, May 19, 2014
On Transformation
Woke up musing about change and transformation. I took a look back at some posts on my blog here, and I see that this topic comes up now and again -- makes sense. Life is full of change and therefore transformation. Because what are we after change but transformed?
I am struggling a bit with the final edits on my novel in progress, and I think this musing today is the key. While I have focused well enough on the plot points and driven the story from where I wanted it to start to where I wanted it to end, I think I have not paid enough attention to the transformation of the character -- within the small plot points and overall from the beginning to the end.
And I don't mean necessarily the kind of transformation that the caterpillar undergoes to become the butterfly. No, the changes in our lives are sometimes far more minuscule than a complete and utter re imagining of ourselves. More subtle. The changes in our lives are a realization, the recognition of an absence, the small revelation of love where we expected none.
And yet we are transformed as surely as the caterpillar becomes the butterfly. The pre-transformative self is not our true self, I think. Our true selves are buried deep inside and we peel off layer by layer with each change and each experience, to become whatever remains, more essentially ourselves. Oh and we fight this change, we fight the becoming, but it is inevitable that it happen, that we move forward, that we progress. That we transform, even if we go to this fate kicking and screaming.
For my writing time today I plan to comb though my plot, point by point and look for the opportunities to dig into the changes my character experiences, to allow her to transform into her own version of the butterfly, to find the truth of herself under the layers we have peeled back to get her from the beginning to the end of her plot line.
And sometime soon, maybe after coffee, I will spend a little time doing the same for me -- what have I transformed into, and what changes lie ahead. It'll be easier working with my character Else, because there is no need to fear her change, her transformation. And I tend to fear my own, a little anyway, even as I jump into the next adventures with both feet.
But it seems kind of dumb to fear the inevitable.
Happy words, folks. And happy transformations.
I am struggling a bit with the final edits on my novel in progress, and I think this musing today is the key. While I have focused well enough on the plot points and driven the story from where I wanted it to start to where I wanted it to end, I think I have not paid enough attention to the transformation of the character -- within the small plot points and overall from the beginning to the end.
And I don't mean necessarily the kind of transformation that the caterpillar undergoes to become the butterfly. No, the changes in our lives are sometimes far more minuscule than a complete and utter re imagining of ourselves. More subtle. The changes in our lives are a realization, the recognition of an absence, the small revelation of love where we expected none.
And yet we are transformed as surely as the caterpillar becomes the butterfly. The pre-transformative self is not our true self, I think. Our true selves are buried deep inside and we peel off layer by layer with each change and each experience, to become whatever remains, more essentially ourselves. Oh and we fight this change, we fight the becoming, but it is inevitable that it happen, that we move forward, that we progress. That we transform, even if we go to this fate kicking and screaming.
For my writing time today I plan to comb though my plot, point by point and look for the opportunities to dig into the changes my character experiences, to allow her to transform into her own version of the butterfly, to find the truth of herself under the layers we have peeled back to get her from the beginning to the end of her plot line.
And sometime soon, maybe after coffee, I will spend a little time doing the same for me -- what have I transformed into, and what changes lie ahead. It'll be easier working with my character Else, because there is no need to fear her change, her transformation. And I tend to fear my own, a little anyway, even as I jump into the next adventures with both feet.
But it seems kind of dumb to fear the inevitable.
Happy words, folks. And happy transformations.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Randoms
(that's Random Shoplifts...clearly I need to be more specific for those of you whose minds gravitate ever gutterwards).
~I have verbal jiu jitsu. Talk jitsu. (Deb) jitsu... (put my own name in th eplace of the original speaker).
~I will f**k money ANY time. (some people clearly have more interesting sex lives than....well, than me for one...).
~The only reason anyone puts money in the market is that it's the only place TO put it. (Yeah, whatever. There's always the mattress and the underwear drawer...why you gotta be so narrowminded).
~Good priorities and a Jesus liver -- that's really all you need in life. (no explanation, hah).
X's and O's and Words!
d
~I have verbal jiu jitsu. Talk jitsu. (Deb) jitsu... (put my own name in th eplace of the original speaker).
~I will f**k money ANY time. (some people clearly have more interesting sex lives than....well, than me for one...).
~The only reason anyone puts money in the market is that it's the only place TO put it. (Yeah, whatever. There's always the mattress and the underwear drawer...why you gotta be so narrowminded).
~Good priorities and a Jesus liver -- that's really all you need in life. (no explanation, hah).
X's and O's and Words!
d
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Getting Stuff Done (or: Recovering from Life's Detours)
Tough summer. I had a a full schedule of planned projects -- catch up on some tasks for my publishing business. Finish polishing two book proposals. Finish finally my own novel.
Life often has other ideas for us, especially when we make plans. Mix in an unexpected death, news that an old friend is very ill, The Boy (tm) heading off to University, and well, the best laid plans of mice and Deb are often gone awry.
I wrote recently about perfection -- how the pursuit of it can be self defeating. And I forgot -- even after I gave myself permission to just do the work and find perfection in what I do rather than try and get it to match up to an arbitrary definition -- I forgot to really give myself permission to be imperfect and found myself in a little bit of an emotional tailspin. And mad at myself for it.
Yeah. I kicked myself while I was down.
Sigh.
We so often are our own worst enemies.
I recognized mid-kick what I was doing and I have moved away from that behavior. Mostly.
And I am a writing fool at the moment trying to meet the self -imposed deadline for finishing the novel EVEN THOUGH it will be hard and require ~2,000 plus words a day to do it.
But I will because it's important to me.
So here are my takeaways from the summer:
~Sometimes shit happens that guts you and you can't do a damn thing about it.
~Sometimes you tailspin. And that's okay, because you are experiencing your own life, which means you are living it.
~Sometimes you kick yourself when you are down. Stop it.
~Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. But what would life be like if you cultivated yourself as a friend the same way you cultivate others? How much magic?
~Do the stuff that is important to you. Encourage yourself the same way you encourage others.
Kind of glad it's a new season.
Good words,
d
Life often has other ideas for us, especially when we make plans. Mix in an unexpected death, news that an old friend is very ill, The Boy (tm) heading off to University, and well, the best laid plans of mice and Deb are often gone awry.
I wrote recently about perfection -- how the pursuit of it can be self defeating. And I forgot -- even after I gave myself permission to just do the work and find perfection in what I do rather than try and get it to match up to an arbitrary definition -- I forgot to really give myself permission to be imperfect and found myself in a little bit of an emotional tailspin. And mad at myself for it.
Yeah. I kicked myself while I was down.
Sigh.
We so often are our own worst enemies.
I recognized mid-kick what I was doing and I have moved away from that behavior. Mostly.
And I am a writing fool at the moment trying to meet the self -imposed deadline for finishing the novel EVEN THOUGH it will be hard and require ~2,000 plus words a day to do it.
But I will because it's important to me.
So here are my takeaways from the summer:
~Sometimes shit happens that guts you and you can't do a damn thing about it.
~Sometimes you tailspin. And that's okay, because you are experiencing your own life, which means you are living it.
~Sometimes you kick yourself when you are down. Stop it.
~Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. But what would life be like if you cultivated yourself as a friend the same way you cultivate others? How much magic?
~Do the stuff that is important to you. Encourage yourself the same way you encourage others.
Kind of glad it's a new season.
Good words,
d
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