Shoveling snow. Even though there is a 1913 city ordinance that says I need to clear my sidewalk. Even though that wiseass from down the street slipped and almost fell right outside my window. Because it is 22 degrees at 2 PM and the stupid snow is still falling and I’ll only have to do it again in like two hours and anyway I have vodka and Netflix. And my sweet cuddly kitty.
A trip to the gym. Because what makes you
think I will go work out when I won’t shovel snow and anyway it’s 4:30 and I’ve
been drinking vodka for two and a half hours. It’s like you don’t even know me
Rescuing a friend stuck on the highway.
Even though I would want someone to do it for me. Even though people have done
it for me. Because I am a bitch with roadside assistance. And because I am cozy
and warm and have lots and lots of lovely vodka and the snow looks better from
inside my house.
Batteries for my vibrator. Even after the bitter
disappointment of cannibalizing the double As from the TV remote only to spill
vodka on them, and then to remember that I don’t own a television and they are
probably more than 7 years old. Even though it’s only 6:30 PM and why do you
care what time of day it is when my vibrator is on my mind? You’re very judgy.
Drinks with Friends. Even though I am an extreme extrovert.
Even though I have not seen another living being since 10 AM. Even though I am
halfway through the vodka. Because clearly not one of you freaks is worth
braving the now 4 degree temperatures because it you were worth anything YOU
WOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED ME RUNNING OUT OF VODKA OR YOU WOULD BE HERE DRINKING
WITH ME. HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME?
Vodka. Even though the situation is dire at 7:30 PM. Even
though the bottle has only two more drinks. Even though I am scant seconds away
from moving on to Tier Two beverages, which include Bacon Vodka, Port, Blue
Curacao and one drink’s worth of shitty rum. Because deep in my soul I believe
I can make one spectacular drink with all of these and call it DEATH BY POLAR
VORTEX BECAUSE MY FRIENDS ALL SUCK.
Food. Even though I am completely alone, friendless and vodkaless at 8:30 PM. Even though the
spectacularly awesome DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX has left me befuddled and starving.
Or maybe BECAUSE I am befuddled and starving. Because I have rice. And
sardines. And Maraschino Cherries. And mushroom bullion. And mayonnaise. I WILL
SURVIVE. I HAVE THE INTERNET AND I KNOW I CAN LIVE ON SARDINES AND MARASCHINO
CHERRIES. IF YOU LOVE ME BRING ME FOOD. AND VODKA. AND BATTERIES. AND MAKE MORE
EPISODES OF THE GILMORE GIRLS.
Fast Food. Even though it has been clearly demonstrated to
me that living on sardines and maraschino cherries was THE WORST IDEA EVER.
Even though the closest drive through is still open. BECAUSE THERE IS TWO FEET
OF GODDAMN SNOW IN THE STREET AND I PROBABLY COULDN’T DRIVE IN THIS SOBER AND I
HOPW YOU ALL ARE GLADD THAT I WIL DIE ALONE FROM INDIGESTION AND DEHYDRATION AND
LACK OF SELF STUMULATION AND DEATH BY POLAR VORTES DRINKS AND MIXING BACON
VODKA AND PORT WAS INCREDIBLY FUCKING DUMB AND THEY WILL FIND MY DESSICATED
BODY FORLORNLY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM WITH MY STUPID CROSS EYED CAT
SITTING NEXT TO IT BITCHING FOR FOOD.
Please bring tums.
(note, I will be posting some humorous stuff on this blog in addition to the writing and eavesdropping stuff I usually publish. Also no vodka was harmed...er...drunk...er....there was not an entire bottle of vodka available when I wrote this. The vodka consumption was greatly exaggerated.)