Hi. I'm Deb. I am a procrastinator.
Well. I'm a procrastinator sometimes. Sometimes I kick ass, take names and get shit done.
But yeah. Sometimes I have huge plans and pull them off and other times I talk a good game and then I don't follow through or finish.
It feels kind of threatening to say that out loud. Or, well, in writing. But anyone who knows me already knows this about me. It's not like you can keep not finishing shit a secret.
In the corporate world I do a lot of delegating. I'm good at it. Shit gets done.
In my own world I have to do shit myself. No one to delegate to. And I am the sort of person who will frequently pick something fun over something less fun but more important. Or pick not doing anything over doing shit that needs to get done. No one else to do it though.
Some of those things reflect on my own skills -- for instance writing. I like writing. I'm good at writing or I like to think I am. But what if I'm not? What it it's easier to find a million different reasons to NOT write rather than maybe do all the work and fail anyway?
Sometimes accountability helps -- I have hiking partners because I am more likely to do thee work when others are expecting me. I also have writing sprinting partners because it's more likely I will do the work.
I wonder where that thing is in me that wants to get the work done for the work's sake -- the drive. And I wonder if I just don't have it and why then things like exercise and writing really are important to me if I am not driven to do them. Are they?
It would be much easier to not put this in writing. Well not easier -- but it would allow me to not really have to deeply confront this and other truths about myself. But I have in many ways reached this place where I have lost the capacity to give a fuck what anyone thinks about me. Not in all ways but in a lot of them.
And so. I am Deb. I am flawed, I fuck up. I procrastinate. And yet I want to work past that shit, or around it or through it to a place where I can give no fucks about stuff which does not matter, but give ALL THE FUCKS about the stuff that does matter.
It's not good to give no fucks. The trick is giving the ones that matter. And doing the fucking work.
So. I am Deb. I procrastinate. And I want to work.
Here I go.