Sunday, March 1, 2015

Things I Should Not Do If I am Over 30?

Warning. Rant Ahead. Plus egregious use of the F-bomb.

Tl;dr: Don't tell me what do.

Messing around on the internet this morning drinking coffee. I see this title: 24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30.

If you have known me longer than 5 minutes, it's a sure thing you know the conversation that I had with myself as I hovered the mouse over the link. For those of you who don't, however:

Me: What is this bullshit?
Me: Don't do it.
Me: No, this must be read.
Me: Seriously, you haven't even finished your coffee.
Me: But. But. I'm going in.
Me: It's going to enrage you as much as reading the comments on CNN articles…

This is a link to the article in question, but I have copy-pasted it below because the format is in itself enraging – essentially 72 slides to get through the roughly 500 condescending as fuck words. It appeared in 2014, and a great response to it appears here

I was going to go point by point and respond to each thing the author mentions, but I realized it was completely unnecessary. Because I can sum up my response to each and every point as this: Fuck Off.

Why is there a cut off for certain things? Who decides what this is? Why does anyone care? Don't do this after 30. After 40. After 50. Part of me wants to retaliate with a list of shit one oughtn't do before 30. But here's the thing – I don't really care. I can't think of a damn thing anyone at any age needs to do or not do in most areas of life other than mind their own damned business and not spend so much of their time worrying about what someone over any arbitrary age is doing.

Will I ever wear blue eye shadow or booty shorts? Nah. Neither of those things would look good on me. Or be comfortable. But I would if I wanted to and I will damn straight wear glitter and animal print and fur and faux fur and my beat up Converse All Stars and graphic tees and oversized sunglasses. Maybe even all at one time. And I will shop where the fuck I please, whenever I please, even if my wearing of American Eagle jeans offends the sensibilities of a Little.

I usually reserve Little for actual Littles. You know, children. But I think from now on I will include in that designation anyone who is clearly Under A Certain Age who uses moment of their precious life to judge what fucking underwear I buy and where, and how beat up my footwear is. Because they are making stupid delineations about age and clothing and me and others like me who wear what the fuck we please.

And frankly, I think Little is a perfect bucket, because anyone who pays this much attention to what others are wearing because of age is small minded.

I'm not usually a fan of listicles anyway, and mostly I avoid using the format unless it is really called for. But I think it might be. So here's mine:

The Top Ways To Avoid Being A Judgmental Asshole About Other People's Clothing Choices

1. Don't be a judgmental asshole about other people's clothing choices.

Best listicle ever.

Finally, for the love of the universe. Wear what the fuck you please. Wear clothing you love and feel wonderful in. Be happy in your skin and in your jeans and in your shoes and in your life and in yourself.

Everyone else can really just go fuck right the fuck off.
Original story by Kallie Provencher
By age 30, women are expected to be a little more mature, and they should dress like it too. Here are 24 things no woman should be caught wearing after age 30.
24 Graphic Tees
You're what we call a 'grown-up' now. Dress like an adult please.
23. Bedazzled anything
Bedazzling is a horrible trend that started in the early 2000's and for some reason has stuck around ruining the fashion industry. You're not 13, leave the rhinestones for a tween.
22. Blue Eyeshadow
Actually, no one should ever wear eyeshadow. With the exception of drag queens. Doesn't matter if you're 18 or 50, skip it.
21. Victoria's Secret PINK
PINK is made and targeted at teens and college girls. Not for thirty-somethings. Wear your big girl panties please.
20. Leopard Print
There is such thing as too much of a good thing, and leopard print is only cute in small doses.
19. Sparkly Pants
Unless it's New Year's Eve, don't rock pants that shine brighter than the sun.
18. Oversized Sunglasses
They might be fun, but they're not mature. Splurge a little and buy a nice pair that actually fits.
17. Non-matching Socks
By age 30, you should be able to keep better track of your socks.
16. Hoop Earrings
Only girls in high school can still pull off hoop earrings.
15. Furry Boots
Let the teenagers have their fun, but no 30-year-old woman should be caught dead in "boots with the fur."
14. Furry Anything
It's rare to find furry clothing that's actually fashionable AND age appropriate.
13. Tube Tops
Ugh, why do they still make these? Nobody looks good in them.
12. Short Dresses
You don't have to bare it all to look sexy.
11. Mini-Skirts
By this age, women should know it's always better to leave something to the imagination.
10. Overalls
No. Just no.
9. Crop Tops
Even if you have a bangin' body, leave these "shirts" to the young folks.
8. American Eagle
Sure, their jeans fit perfectly, but that doesn't make it trendy for women over 30 to be wearing them.
7. Booty Shorts
I don't know at what age it is acceptable to let your booty hang out.
6. Old Sneakers
Grown women should not be seen in rundown tennis shoes. If you can't afford a new pair, then it's time to reevaluate life as a 30-year-old.
5. Cheap Bras
Your breasts deserve the proper support by this age.
4. Glitter Eyeshadow
Save the glitter for things that should actually sparkle.
3. Platform Flip-Flops
Actually, nobody should wear these. There's nothing cute or sexy about platform flip-flops.
2. Abercrombie & Fitch
Do 30-year-olds even fit into A&F clothes?
1. Scrunchies

If you're old enough to do your own hair, you should not be wearing scrunchies.


  1. I remember reading this listicle some months ago and having pretty much the exact same reaction. I have negative opinions about several of the items on this list, but I would never say "ought" or "should" to another person about them. one should ever wear any eyeshadow at all? According to whom? The Taliban?

    Then again, I think it's possible that you had the exact reaction that the author, or at least the website, wanted you to have. Hate-clicks are still clicks.

  2. There are a lot of articles like this -- I'm thinking the author was sincere and not looking for hate clicks. But I'll admit I knew I was hate clicking when I did it :)