Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Random Shoplifts, Part, uh, Whatever

Yeah, I know eavesdropping isn't polite. I was, in fact, raised properly -- ask my mother. It's just that...well, I don't care. People say the most amazing stuff, out loud, in front of me. I feel as a writer I have an obligation to capture the amazing ways in which people use language to express themselves. Obligation.

Yes, probably some day it will get me in some absurd kind of trouble, but I don't care. I just don't.

When possible, I tell the folks from whom I lift stuff that I am stealing their words, and I immediately write what they said in the special file I have set up on my Blackberry. In front of them. I even tell them their words will end up in my blog. I have never been asked NOT to use something I shoplift, though I have been asked to make sure it is anonymous. For the record, I don't shoplift anything that would make a person easily identifiable. As far as I know, anyway.

Having reiterated all that, we are on to Random Shoplifts...many of which are from a rather rambunctious few hours I spent careening from art galleries to nightclubs in Downtown Colorado Springs last Friday.

~There was a drunk Russian man in the ladies room. He had pretty eyes. (You should always judge the eye-prettiness of the drunk foreign man in the wrong's really a matter of courtesy...or something)

~I kissed one guy I thought was Mormon, but it turned out he was just gay. (I don't write 'em, I just steal 'em)

~God apparently did not want my insurance rates to drop. (God does rate reductions? Who knew?)

~What are you doing with integrity? (Buying it an Irish Car Bomb, of course)

~The way you eat a Popsicle is a metaphor for sex. (Oh really? I stopped listening almost immediately....very graphic blush-inducing conversation ensued, and for me to find something blush-inducing means it was frighteningly graphic)

~Butt Cheek Diamonds (which I am filing under 'Great Name For A Rock Band')

Right -- that's all I have for you. Hope you enjoy these, and I hope even more you say something awesome in front of me so I can Shoplift you.

The Final Snippet: would be redundant

Deb Answers: Ray in South Beach: Fighting would not be the right course of action unless you are positive you will win.


  1. Sure as people keep talking, I'll keep 'em coming :)

  2. Also, Butt Cheek Diamonds does deserve an explanation -- the context was how uptight someone was, i.e.,

    "She's so uptight, the pressure between her butt cheeks is enough to produce diamonds."
    "Really, diamonds?"
    "Yes, diamonds."
    "Diamonds with her butt cheeks?"
    "Yes, Diamonds with her butt cheeks."
    "Butt cheek diamonds?"
    "Yes. Butt cheek diamonds."

    It was a truly awesome conversation.