Procrastination and the Art of Getting Shit Done Anyway

Hi. I'm Deb. I am a procrastinator.

Well. I'm a procrastinator sometimes. Sometimes I kick ass, take names and get shit done.

But yeah. Sometimes I have huge plans and pull them off and other times I talk a good game and then I don't follow through or finish.

It feels kind of threatening to say that out loud. Or, well, in writing. But anyone who  knows me already knows this about me. It's not like you can keep not finishing shit a secret.

In the corporate world I do a lot of delegating. I'm good at it. Shit gets done.

In my own world I have to do shit myself.  No one to delegate to.  And I am the sort of person who will frequently pick something fun over something less fun but more important.  Or pick not doing anything over doing shit that needs to get done.  No one else to do it though.

Some of those things reflect on my own skills -- for instance writing.  I like writing. I'm good at writing or I like to think I am. But what if I'm not? What it it's easier to find a million different reasons to NOT write rather than maybe do all the work and fail anyway?

Sometimes accountability helps -- I have hiking partners because I am more likely to do thee work when others are expecting me. I also have writing sprinting partners because it's more likely I will do the work.

I wonder where that thing is in me that wants to get the work done for the work's sake -- the drive.  And I wonder if I just don't have it and why then things like exercise and writing really are important to me if I am not driven to do them.  Are they?

It would be much easier to not put this in writing. Well not easier -- but it would allow me to not really have to deeply confront this and other truths about myself.  But I have in many ways reached this place where I have lost the capacity to give a fuck what anyone thinks about me. Not in all ways but in a lot of them.

And so. I am Deb. I am flawed, I fuck up. I procrastinate. And yet I want to work past that shit, or around it or through it to a place where I can give no fucks about stuff which does not matter, but give ALL THE FUCKS about the stuff that does matter.

It's not good to give no fucks. The trick is giving the ones that matter. And doing the fucking work.

So. I am Deb. I procrastinate. And I want to work.

Here I go.

We're Gonna What?

So, we're  totally renting an abandoned mental hospital...

Whatever this is, I'm THERE!

Uh...

Overheard at IHOP;

So, yeah. That's what my memoir will be called.  "Dead Pigs Don't Poo."

Remember...everyone's life is interesting. Right?

I hope you kept the instructions

Party chat...

::CRASH::

LEGOS EVERYWHERE

Guest: Oh no. I destroyed the Millennium Falcon...

Host: We can rebuild. We have the instructions.

Oh, THAT Kind

Overheard: No, I'm talking about a DIFFERENT kind of safe word...

Things I Should Not Do If I am Over 30?

Warning. Rant Ahead. Plus egregious use of the F-bomb.

Tl;dr: Don't tell me what do.

Messing around on the internet this morning drinking coffee. I see this title: 24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30.

If you have known me longer than 5 minutes, it's a sure thing you know the conversation that I had with myself as I hovered the mouse over the link. For those of you who don't, however:

Me: What is this bullshit?
Me: Don't do it.
Me: No, this must be read.
Me: Seriously, you haven't even finished your coffee.
Me: But. But. I'm going in.
Me: It's going to enrage you as much as reading the comments on CNN articles…
Me:

This is a link to the article in question, but I have copy-pasted it below because the format is in itself enraging – essentially 72 slides to get through the roughly 500 condescending as fuck words. It appeared in 2014, and a great response to it appears here

24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30

So my rant is probably superfluous. But the original article and the really wonderful response were both written by persons under 30, and good as the response is, I feel a few words from a Genuine Old are called for. I am over 30. I am – gasp – over 40 even.

I was going to go point by point and respond to each thing the author mentions, but I realized it was completely unnecessary. Because I can sum up my response to each and every point as this: Fuck Off.

Why is there a cut off for certain things? Who decides what this is? Why does anyone care? Don't do this after 30. After 40. After 50. Part of me wants to retaliate with a list of shit one oughtn't do before 30. But here's the thing – I don't really care. I can't think of a damn thing anyone at any age needs to do or not do in most areas of life other than mind their own damned business and not spend so much of their time worrying about what someone over any arbitrary age is doing.

Will I ever wear blue eye shadow or booty shorts? Nah. Neither of those things would look good on me. Or be comfortable. But I would if I wanted to and I will damn straight wear glitter and animal print and fur and faux fur and my beat up Converse All Stars and graphic tees and oversized sunglasses. Maybe even all at one time. And I will shop where the fuck I please, whenever I please, even if my wearing of American Eagle jeans offends the sensibilities of a Little.

I usually reserve Little for actual Littles. You know, children. But I think from now on I will include in that designation anyone who is clearly Under A Certain Age who uses moment of their precious life to judge what fucking underwear I buy and where, and how beat up my footwear is. Because they are making stupid delineations about age and clothing and me and others like me who wear what the fuck we please.

And frankly, I think Little is a perfect bucket, because anyone who pays this much attention to what others are wearing because of age is small minded.

I'm not usually a fan of listicles anyway, and mostly I avoid using the format unless it is really called for. But I think it might be. So here's mine:

The Top Ways To Avoid Being A Judgmental Asshole About Other People's Clothing Choices

1. Don't be a judgmental asshole about other people's clothing choices.

Best listicle ever.

Finally, for the love of the universe. Wear what the fuck you please. Wear clothing you love and feel wonderful in. Be happy in your skin and in your jeans and in your shoes and in your life and in yourself.

Everyone else can really just go fuck right the fuck off.

___________________________

Original story by Kallie Provencher

By age 30, women are expected to be a little more mature, and they should dress like it too. Here are 24 things no woman should be caught wearing after age 30.

24 Graphic Tees

You're what we call a 'grown-up' now. Dress like an adult please.

23. Bedazzled anything

Bedazzling is a horrible trend that started in the early 2000's and for some reason has stuck around ruining the fashion industry. You're not 13, leave the rhinestones for a tween.

22. Blue Eyeshadow

Actually, no one should ever wear eyeshadow. With the exception of drag queens. Doesn't matter if you're 18 or 50, skip it.

21. Victoria's Secret PINK

PINK is made and targeted at teens and college girls. Not for thirty-somethings. Wear your big girl panties please.

20. Leopard Print

There is such thing as too much of a good thing, and leopard print is only cute in small doses.

19. Sparkly Pants

Unless it's New Year's Eve, don't rock pants that shine brighter than the sun.

18. Oversized Sunglasses

They might be fun, but they're not mature. Splurge a little and buy a nice pair that actually fits.

17. Non-matching Socks

By age 30, you should be able to keep better track of your socks.

16. Hoop Earrings

Only girls in high school can still pull off hoop earrings.

15. Furry Boots

Let the teenagers have their fun, but no 30-year-old woman should be caught dead in "boots with the fur."

14. Furry Anything

It's rare to find furry clothing that's actually fashionable AND age appropriate.

13. Tube Tops

Ugh, why do they still make these? Nobody looks good in them.

12. Short Dresses

You don't have to bare it all to look sexy.

11. Mini-Skirts

By this age, women should know it's always better to leave something to the imagination.

10. Overalls

No. Just no.

9. Crop Tops

Even if you have a bangin' body, leave these "shirts" to the young folks.

8. American Eagle

Sure, their jeans fit perfectly, but that doesn't make it trendy for women over 30 to be wearing them.

7. Booty Shorts

I don't know at what age it is acceptable to let your booty hang out.

6. Old Sneakers

Grown women should not be seen in rundown tennis shoes. If you can't afford a new pair, then it's time to reevaluate life as a 30-year-old.

5. Cheap Bras

Your breasts deserve the proper support by this age.

4. Glitter Eyeshadow

Save the glitter for things that should actually sparkle.

3. Platform Flip-Flops

Actually, nobody should wear these. There's nothing cute or sexy about platform flip-flops.

2. Abercrombie & Fitch

Do 30-year-olds even fit into A&F clothes?

1. Scrunchies

If you're old enough to do your own hair, you should not be wearing scrunchies.

Things I Will Not Leave The House For During The Polar Vortex.

Shoveling snow. Even though there is a 1913 city ordinance that says I need to clear my sidewalk. Even though that wiseass from down the street slipped and almost fell right outside my window. Because it is 22 degrees at 2 PM and the stupid snow is still falling and I’ll only have to do it again in like two hours and anyway I have vodka and Netflix. And my sweet cuddly kitty.

A trip to the gym. Because what makes you think I will go work out when I won’t shovel snow and anyway it’s 4:30 and I’ve been drinking vodka for two and a half hours. It’s like you don’t even know me any more.

Rescuing a friend stuck on the highway. Even though I would want someone to do it for me. Even though people have done it for me. Because I am a bitch with roadside assistance. And because I am cozy and warm and have lots and lots of lovely vodka and the snow looks better from inside my house.

Batteries for my vibrator. Even after the bitter disappointment of cannibalizing the double As from the TV remote only to spill vodka on them, and then to remember that I don’t own a television and they are probably more than 7 years old. Even though it’s only 6:30 PM and why do you care what time of day it is when my vibrator is on my mind? You’re very judgy.

Drinks with Friends. Even though I am an extreme extrovert. Even though I have not seen another living being since 10 AM. Even though I am halfway through the vodka. Because clearly not one of you freaks is worth braving the now 4 degree temperatures because it you were worth anything YOU WOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED ME RUNNING OUT OF VODKA OR YOU WOULD BE HERE DRINKING WITH ME. HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME?

Vodka. Even though the situation is dire at 7:30 PM. Even though the bottle has only two more drinks. Even though I am scant seconds away from moving on to Tier Two beverages, which include Bacon Vodka, Port, Blue Curacao and one drink’s worth of shitty rum. Because deep in my soul I believe I can make one spectacular drink with all of these and call it DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX BECAUSE MY FRIENDS ALL SUCK.

Food. Even though I am completely alone, friendless and vodkaless at 8:30 PM. Even though the spectacularly awesome DEATH BY POLAR VORTEX has left me befuddled and starving. Or maybe BECAUSE I am befuddled and starving. Because I have rice. And sardines. And Maraschino Cherries. And mushroom bullion. And mayonnaise. I WILL SURVIVE. I HAVE THE INTERNET AND I KNOW I CAN LIVE ON SARDINES AND MARASCHINO CHERRIES. IF YOU LOVE ME BRING ME FOOD. AND VODKA. AND BATTERIES. AND MAKE MORE EPISODES OF THE GILMORE GIRLS.

Fast Food. Even though it has been clearly demonstrated to me that living on sardines and maraschino cherries was THE WORST IDEA EVER. Even though the closest drive through is still open. BECAUSE THERE IS TWO FEET OF GODDAMN SNOW IN THE STREET AND I PROBABLY COULDN’T DRIVE IN THIS SOBER AND I HOPW YOU ALL ARE GLADD THAT I WIL DIE ALONE FROM INDIGESTION AND DEHYDRATION AND LACK OF SELF STUMULATION AND DEATH BY POLAR VORTES DRINKS AND MIXING BACON VODKA AND PORT WAS INCREDIBLY FUCKING DUMB AND THEY WILL FIND MY DESSICATED BODY FORLORNLY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM WITH MY STUPID CROSS EYED CAT SITTING NEXT TO IT BITCHING FOR FOOD.

Please bring tums.

(note, I will be posting some humorous stuff on this blog in addition to the writing and eavesdropping stuff I usually publish. Also no vodka was harmed...er...drunk...er....there was not an entire bottle of vodka available when I wrote this. The vodka consumption was greatly exaggerated.)